found out my dad died and I never got to say goodbye

So when I was two my mom cheated and my parents divorced. I ended up with my dad's side. But my dad had to work, and he couldn't watch me alone, so my grandparents raised me.

He got a place in another city and came down every weekend to see me. Then at my elementary school graduation he showed up with flowers, took me home with him, and we promised we'd live together from then on.

One week before graduation. ONE WEEK. He came home to the boarding house he was renting and collapsed from a stroke. Throwing up. Having seizures. Nobody found him. He was half-dead for 13 hours before my uncle discovered him and rushed him to the ER.

I got the call and went to the hospital and oh my god. When I saw him lying there I just. I couldn't stop crying. He was suffering alone and I didn't even know, and now I'm thinking maybe I should've gone to live with him sooner?? There wasn't even a spot in the ICU. He was just... in the ER. That made me so angry.

And he'd called me just yesterday. Normal call. And now in one second he's like this.

The stroke hit a part of his brain they couldn't operate on. It went into his neck. Half his body paralyzed. Couldn't speak. But mentally, completely there. He survived like that for five years before he passed.

During those five years, sick as he was, he'd call my grandpa over and press 10,000 won into my hands. Head nodding. My uncle was sick at home too and I was too embarrassed to bring friends over, not even once, and I regret that SO much. I wish I'd been better to him. He didn't get to see me get married. And his phone and wallet, when I checked them, it was just photos of me. ALL photos of me. Not a single one taken together with him.

I think about that and I feel like. do I even deserve to be his daughter.

Time has passed but I still can't. It's genuinely insane how much I miss him. I don't have the confidence to see him again on the other side. I'm so sorry I never told you I loved you. Please don't hate me for it. I miss you so much. I really do.