grandpa passed right before my most important exam and I finally cried about it 5 years later

So this happened years ago and I'm still not over it.

My grandpa was a war veteran and back then there was an explosion nearby that damaged his hearing. So as a kid I used to get SO frustrated with him because I had to yell everything. I was like 4 years old, just absolutely losing it at this old man who couldn't hear me. Looking back. Yeah.

Anyway one morning I was in elementary school and grandpa was supposed to pick me up after the school bus like always. He wasn't there. Then mom called and said he was sick, went to the hospital, so he was at my aunt's place instead. I get there and my cousin (one year older than me) goes 'did you hear? grandpa...' and I said 'yeah mom said he's sick and went to the hospital right?' and then my cousin just. went quiet. And then told me grandpa had passed.

I just sat there. Legs gave out on the sofa. Couldn't move. Couldn't cry.

At the funeral I genuinely felt nothing?? Like I was just running around playing with my cousins, having a good time. I didn't get it. But then when grandma held grandpa's hand walking home from school like he always did, and I remembered it was always HIM wiping my runny nose, always him, with his checkered handkerchief, never any other one... that's when it hit me. HARD.

Fast forward 5 years. This summer. The most important exam of my entire life (suneung prep stuff, basically my whole future on the line). I fell asleep at home and dreamed about grandpa. Woke up and it was dark outside. Grandpa was in the dream and I was like 'I have to stop the grim reaper' but then I just... forgot. Forgot to stop him. And just ran to grandpa and told him I love him.

Grandpa couldn't hear well so he just smiled at me and did a little heart with his hands above his head without saying anything.

I woke up crying.

I bombed that day's practice exam lol. But eventually I passed the actual exam. And like. Grandpa was THE family hype man, the type to literally run around the whole neighborhood bragging if any of us succeeded at anything. He would've lost his MIND over this. He would've hung a banner probably.

I think about him all the time. Can't watch 2015 videos on YouTube without thinking of him.