my best friend of 10 years died and i still can't process it

When I found out my friend of 10 years died, I heard it over the phone. And for two whole days I just... couldn't accept it. kept thinking like, why is he dead? he was healthy. he's probably just hospitalized, right? I told myself that on loop for two days, just zoning out, then crying, then zoning out again.

At the funeral his parents let me see him one last time. And the second I saw him lying in the casket my blood literally went cold, my heart just dropped. I couldn't even look at his face properly because I was crying too hard. I remember seeing his lips all swollen. that image is still so vivid, like it happened yesterday.

We met up at least once a week in middle school, once or twice a year in college. We were still texting up until a few months before he died, then things got busy and we just... stopped. I figured no news was good news. I was so wrong. I wish I'd reached out first, even just once.

We fought literally every time we hung out lmaooo. we just had completely different communication styles, both super blunt, so I'd always be like "you talk so much shit to me, you're gonna outlive everyone here" and then he went first.

Visited his grave a few months ago. And honestly? I still feel like he's alive. His instagram is still up. Kakao, Facebook, all of it just sitting there. His birthday is coming up soon and I can't send him a birthday message anymore. that part gets me the most.

I think what makes death so terrifying is just. knowing you'll never see that person again. that's it. that's the whole thing.